![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
burntcopperThis is one of the one's I've been working on for a while. Basically, Vince, going through a dry patch when he's 20, decides to look into being a priest for a laugh. By the time we're at the end, it's the present day, mostly because I couldn't deny Vince Ecclestone Dr. Who.
Title : Sodding Celibate As It Is (1/2)
Author : Gunbunny
E-Mail : kabukivice@beeb.net
Fandom : QAF UK
Pairing : Vince/Stuart
Rating : sex! unexpurgated sex! smoking! Rampant Dr Who fanboyism! (Well, this *is* Vince we're talking...)
Summary : Priest!AU. Vince, going through a dry patch when he's 20 decides to try the clergy. Everything else is show canon. (btw, by the end we're in the present day - I couldn't deny Vince the new Dr Who)
Disclaimer : Not mine. Go grovel before the great Russell.
Feedback : I accept burnt offerings and alcohol.
Archive : http://kabukivice.com/fic , anywhere else feel free.
Whole thing is here.
"Well, I can't seem to get a boyfriend or a shag recently, I'm sodding celibate as it is, may as well become a priest!" Vince declares, knocking back his drink.
Phil shakes his head. "Steady on there. Bit drastic, isn't it?"
"Well, it'd give me an excuse for not getting a shag..."
Three weeks later. Hazel gets woken up by the sound of someone clattering about in the kitchen.
She wraps a dressing gown round herself, belting it as she comes down the stairs to see Vince finishing off a cuppa. "Vince, what're you doing up at this hour?"
"Got to be somewhere, Mum!" Vince says, rushing out the door, the very picture of someone running late.
"At this hour?" Hazel yells after him. "On a *Sunday*?"
He's back a couple of hours later, looking a bit thoughtful. Hazel's had a cuppa by then. "Where'd you go, then?"
"Nowhere special." Vince replies, reaching for the bread bin. "Church."
"Church?" Hazel says incredulously, then grabs his wrist to pull him into reach to check his forehead for a temperature. "You don't look like you're coming down with something. Dare, was it?"
"Sort of." Vince says, still looking thoughtful.
A couple of months down the line, Hazel's worrying. "Stuart, you don't know anything about this, do you?"
"About what, Hazel?" Stuart says, watching the scenery.
Hazel chews on her finger. "The new obsession. My son's been going to church. It's bloody disturbing is what. And Catholic at that. I only got 'im christened to please me Gran."
"Lucky for you, I got dragged along regular as a kid."
"You don't know what started it, do you? Please don't tell me he's become born again."
"Think you have to be one of those Happy Clappy fuckheads for that. Nah, no idea. You know what Vince is like when he gets an idea into his head, though."
"That's what I'm afraid of." She says, nervously lighting another fag.
---
"Mum, I've got a bit of news." Vince says, taking a breath. "You might want to sit down."
Hazel narrows her eyes. "What's that for? You've been taking those becoming straight brainwashing classes, haven't you? I knew this churchgoing was bloody suspicious. Listen, my son, you were born fancying blokes, there's nothing wrong with that." She pauses. "Either that or you've won the lottery."
Vince laughs. "Me? Straight? Pull the other one, Hazel. And don't I just wish I'd won the lottery."
"You've finally shagged Stuart bloody Alan Jones. Only taken you half a decade."
"Never happen in a month of Sundays. Nope, I've decided to become a priest. Training starts Tuesday."
"A priest." Hazel takes a drag on the fag in her hand. "A Catholic one, would that be?"
"Er, yes."
"I'm hallucinating. I'm on acid right now, I must be."
"No, mum, you're not. I've decided to become a priest."
"Dare I ask why before I call for the men in white coats?"
"Dunno. Just... felt the calling. Got really interested."
"Vince, my lad, no sane bloke feels the calling to become celibate, especially not one that says being gay is wrong. This isn't anything to do with Stuart not shagging you, is it?"
"No, Mum, I accepted that years ago. I just ... want to be a priest."
"Well, coherency's the first casualty. And you've not done any bad E or coke."
"Bad coke's just scary, and E doesn't give you any urges to join the church. Honest. Ask Stuart, he gets sold bad stuff all the time."
"Yes, well, Stuart was at least raised Catholic. You weren't. You couldn't've picked Anglican? They at least get a sex life."
---
"You didn't put him up to this, did you?" Hazel asks.
"Me?" Stuart says incredulously. "Hazel, I think he's mad. Too much Tom Baker, rots the brain."
"Tom Baker? What're you on about?"
"Doctor Who. Used to be a monk. Don't know if he was Catholic, though."
"I give you full permission to strong arm him out of it."
"Just telling you, he's determined."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
----
Vince's last night out. Tomorrow morning he starts, so it's one last fling as not-celibate. Stuart, Phil, Alexander and Hazel are giving him a send-off. Hazel knocks back the last of her drink at eleven and stands up. "Right, lad, I've only one recourse of action left."
"What?" Vince asks. "You're seriously not going to throw me to the mob, are you?" Hazel grabs the front of his shirt and start towing. "Oh my god, you are. Stuart, help me with this madwoman!" Stuart just smirks and raises his glass in tribute to Hazel's actions. He can’t appeal to Phil because he's gone to get another round, and Alex has gone to the loo. "You utter, utter bastard."
When they get to the dancefloor, Hazel sticks her fingers in her mouth and lets out a piercing whistle, cutting through the music and causing the dj to stop. "Right, this is my son Vince, fair number of you already know him. The stupid twat's set his heart on becoming a priest - celibate, it's horrible - and needs curing of this evil disease. Anyone in the mood for playing doctor?"
A cheer goes up from the crowd. Vince mouths 'help' as he gets pounced on and drawn into the thick of it. Stuart just grins and Hazel waves. Still, it's not like he's exactly complaining when he cops off twice in the loos and then gets dragged off for a threesome with two members of a local dance company.
----
Vince takes a deep breath. He's put the ridiculously embroidered vestments on, he's rehearsed for this, he's practiced and he knows he can do this. He's not going to screw up.
He steps out, facing his new congregation, and is about to start his first Mass when his heart sinks. Hazel's waving at him from near the back of the crowd. Following along from her, he can see the whole gang on one pew. And they're all grinning. The bastards. He'll get them for this, he so will.
Part way through, a groan goes up from the Vince Tyler Support Club pew. "Oh bugger me. I can't be doing with all these aerobics. Can't I just stay sat bloody down?" Bernie says, as they go to kneel again.
"All this kneeling's very familiar." Alex muses.
"Wonder why that is." Hazel says, eyebrow raised. Alex sticks his tongue out at her.
Vince winces internally. He can't quite hear what they're saying, but it's sure as hell not mass right now. And Stuart keeps grinning and making faces and hand signals to try and put him off. Hazel'll kill him if she gets to know how many times she's sported bunny ears.
Hazel nudges Stuart. "Here, have you noticed Phil's actually concentrating on the service?"
"Probably considering converting to Catholicism at this rate." Stuart sneers.
"I'm trying to listen to Vince and see if he does a good job, all right?" Phil says, flushing slightly. "Try and keep the noise down."
Vince gets through the service, only stumbling over the words a couple of times.
An old biddy sighs happily as they walk out of the church. "Oh, that was simply lovely. It's so nice to see young men with good voices entering the service. Gives you hope for the rest of them."
"What're the rest of us supposed to be doing, then?" Stuart asks.
"Not going out taking drugs and disrupting society, of course." She says.
"Can't believe you'd think that of us." Stuart says. "What do you suppose Father Tyler was like before, then? Gave up a lot, he did. Whole lifestyle."
"You know him?"
"Since I was fourteen." He points at Hazel. "That's his mum, she can tell you all his bad habits."
"Good service." Phil says.
Everyone else looks at him. Hazel rolls her eyes. "Not another one."
Alex smirks. "I don't think our Phil here's that interested in the sermon, he's interested in who's giving it."
Vince finally gets to them after greeting his new flock and changing out of his robes. "You utter bastards, did you have to turn up?"
"Had to make sure you did all right." Bernie says. "Not bad."
"What would you know, you've never set foot in a church sober in your life."
"I were young once." He protests.
"Who says that means you were sober?" Hazel retorts, then turns to her son. "Any stage fright? Clammy hands? Second thoughts now you've done it? It's never too late to pack it in."
"Mum!"
Phil grins. "You were fine, Vince." He nudges Stuart. "Say something, he's your best mate."
"The dress is more Alex's style." Stuart says lazily.
"Too much white for me. And too shapeless." Alex replies. "Brings out your eyes, though."
"Don't expect us at future ones, though." Stuart adds.
"I should bloody hope not, everyone kept turning round to look at you. You wouldn't stop talking." Vince says, glaring at them. "I nearly killed you, but the glares you were getting from some people were on the way to doing it for me. Please don't turn up again, please."
----
Turns out Vince enjoys his new calling. And he's pretty good at it. Hazel can't think where she went wrong. Every one else just shrugs, accepts and lets him get on with it since he seems fairly happy.
----
"Stuart, any reason you're moody?" Alex asks.
"Time of the month. Didn't you hear, I'm pregnant."
"Don't, love, that's plain scary. Bad place? I know it's not too big, and you've already shagged everyone there is to shag..."
"Not all of them." Stuart replies.
"What happened, catastrophic cock failure?"
"Vince, you twat." Stuart replies.
"Great loss to gaykind." Alex mourns. "But it's not our fault he's loony. You're not pining over him, are you?"
"I'm not like some people here." Stuart says, giving Phil a pointed look. Phil looks the other way. He refuses to admit that he's occasionally turned up at Vince's sermons just to listen to him.
"All priests are repressed sluts." Someone near their table says.
Everyone glares at the speaker. "Vince isn't repressed. Gay, just celibate." Phil says, correcting them.
"The way I've heard it, some people might as well be, the amount of shags they get." Alex sniffs. "Still, complete waste."
"Yeah." Phil says. "Can't believe he's stuck it out five years without a shag."
"So, is it Vince?" Alex needles Stuart.
"Fuck off."
---
Sitting against the wall outside the pub. Stuart's fallen asleep on Vince's shoulder, dozed off in the sunshine. Vince has already shifted so the weight's comfortable, and is currently watching the world go by. The world from here being the river the pub's next to.
After a while, he feels Stuart shift a bit, then there's a grunt and change of breathing that seems to indicate that Stuart's woken up. Not that he's bothering to move. Well, apart from burying his head further into Vince's shoulder.
A few minutes later, though, it turns out Stuart's in an evil mood, because Vince feels a wet swipe across his neck, and jumps, dislodging Stuart's head a bit. "What was that for?"
"Felt like it." He can't see Stuart’s face, but he can certainly picture the expression. Devilish grin, with a hint of self-satisfied smirk, eyes promising more devilment on the way.
"You are such a twat." Vince groans, head leaning back against the wall. That, however, exposes his neck enough as a prime target for being nipped by Stuart. "What are you, an animal?"
"Yep." Stuart says cheerfully, and licks another stripe under his ear this time, followed by a nibble. "You taste good. Should make Vince-flavoured ice-cream. Have to bring it up with that deli that does the ice-cream. Be a big seller."
"Stuart..." Vince says in a warning tone - warning of what, he's not sure, finally turning his head to glare at him. That proves to be a mistake. A big, galaxy-sized one. Because Stuart takes the opportunity of his mouth being in reach to kiss him, and it's not just your friendly peck that Stuart usually gives him. Vince is so startled that he doesn't even freeze, just accepts it while his brain does the gabbling internally. The fact that he hasn't pulled away seems to be enough invitation for Stuart to bring up a hand to cup the back of his neck to keep him there and deepen the kiss. That's when Vince's hormones decide to overrule his brain and reciprocate for a bit.
Eventually his brain elbows the hormones aside, and makes him pull back. The hormones pout a lot about this, as does his mouth, because they were enjoying it. "What was that for? I didn't know you were, um - and this licking people is disturbing. Have you been tested for the presence of pet genes?"
Stuart's shifted his fingers to the collar of Vince's shirt, playing with it, and the occasional brush of fingers against Vince's neck and collarbone mean he's having a hard time restraining himself from gulping. That and telling his cock to stay down. "Felt like it." Stuart smirks, eyes glinting.
"What, you often go round kissing priests? I should warn Father Dennis and Ellen. Ellen'll be really shocked, I think, since she'll be worried about whether you'd started fancying women." He pauses. "You haven't suddenly developed a fetish for dog collars, have you? Because I'm warning you, they're not that much different from wearing those cheap ties, and I know you can't stand those."
Stuart's now looking amused. Usual 'Vince is babbling' expression. "No, Vince, I haven't got a fetish for dog collars or priests."
"So, um spur of the moment thing, because otherwise it'd be really tacky."
"Not exactly spur of the moment. Been thinking about it for a while."
"Oh. Er. And?"
"Was one of the best fucking ideas I've had for a while." Stuart says, leaning closer, hand coming up to cup Vince's jaw, before closing those last few inches and snogging him again. Once again, Vince's hormones take over, even though his brain asserts itself enough after a few seconds to bring a hand up to Stuart's shoulder to push him away. That's a complete failure, since the instant he touches, his hand decides it'd be better to hold on rather than shove away.
Come up for air, and Vince manages to overcome his hormones enough to scoot away so that it'll be difficult if Stuart tries again, ignoring the traitorous little voice that points out that if Stuart shags half as well as he snogs, no wonder he's got 'em lining up. He draws in a distinctly shaky breath, and holds up a finger to attempt to
ward off the sexy evil that is Stuart. "Bad, bad idea. Priest here."
"And?" Stuart grins. "Got any complaints?"
"No complaints, I - stoppit with the distraction and the sexy grin! Catholic priest! Off limits!"
Another smirk. "I like a challenge."
"Stuart, I swear, you're just evil." Vince says ruefully. "Bastard. And no, I am not having sex with you. And especially not because you fancy nailing a priest."
"Don't particularly fancy fucking a priest. Have you *seen* most priests? Old, ugly, look like they've been sucking lemons, or have a rod up their arse. Sometimes all four. No thanks." Stuart yawns, stretches, then gets up, holding a hand out to pull Vince up. "Come on, I'm starving. Lunch."
"Thought for a moment you were going to snack on me." Vince says, getting up with Stuart's help.
"Specialised circumstances. The Italian place do? I fancy seafood, and they're good for it."
A week goes by. It's been a week of slight dread for Vince, waiting for Stuart to do something else, but there's nothing. Sod all, in fact. Just Stuart being his usual self. Very tactile, but that's *normal*. Vince long ago accepted Stuart's belief that Vince is his personal teddy bear.
A few weeks later, however, Vince gets snogged again. Just sitting watching a dvd of the Ecclestone Dr. Who, the Dickens episode, and when Vince jumps when the Gelf possess the servant girl, Stuart chuckles. And grins the evil grin of a Stuart Alan Jones with plans.
"C'mere." He says, putting an arm around Vince's shoulders and pulling him into a kiss. A sort of lazy snog, taking his time.
"...What was that for?" Vince asks when it ends, a bit dazed.
"Felt like it." Stuart says, shrugging and giving Vince a squeeze. "Here, it's the bit where Dickens gets a brain. Don't want to miss that."
---
Alex leans his chin on his hand and pouts. "Ladies, the impossible has happened. The Great Stuart Alan Jones has not copped off in three weeks."
"Three weeks?" Phil snorts. "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope. Hazel, sweetheart, you don't know why, do you?"
"Don't ask me. It's bloody disturbing is what." Sound of the key at the door. "Vince, love, you don't know why Stuart's going through a dry patch, do you?"
Vince comes in with a bag of shopping. "No idea. And that could've been anyone at the door, Mum."
"Bollocks. Bernie's at that rally in Peterborough, Stuart's working late on that contract, like his whole office has been for the past week, and Alex is sitting here. So you've no idea?"
"None whatsoever. Move over, Alex, I need to put this lot in the fridge for a bit."
----
"Son, you in love with that twat?"
"Hmm?" Vince asks distractedly, flicking through the paper in search of something decent for Sunday’s sermon. So far it's just Cylons in Battlestar Galactica, and he's pretty sure world-destroying toasters in human form aren't the example he wants to give. Even if they are religious.
"Stuart. You in love with him?"
"I'm a priest, Mum, I'm celibate."
"And I'm your mother. Are you bloody well in love with Stuart Alan Jones?"
"He's my best mate, of course I love him."
Hazel smacks him across the head with the tea towel. "Stop dodging the question, my lad."
Vince winces, rubbing the back of his head. "...Yes. All right? I'm in love with my best mate. Who I can't have. End of story."
"Easy, that. Get rid of the dog collar. Or just do what your church is good at : shag who you want in private, deny it in public."
"Mum!" Vince chastises. "I am not fucking doing that, and you know I wouldn't." He pauses. "Besides, Stuart doesn't want me for a shag and never did. I don't even make the list of 'supposedly unavailable so must seduce' that you know Stuart sees as his personal mission."
"Just about to be married blokes, straight men..." Hazel adds.
Vince grins. "Maybe I should declare myself straight and see what happens."
"I'd drag you down the loony bin is what." Hazel replies.
----
"What's this about you not copping off recently?"
"Where'd you hear that?" Stuart asks, turning his head sharply.
"Alex, gossip queen of Manchester. Sure you're not ill?"
"Just haven't." Stuart shrugs, but a little prickly.
"You *are* ill." Vince says.
"Ever think that the quality of blokes out there might not be up to standard?" Stuart replies.
"Always a new face and a cute arse." Vince switches from amused to concerned, reaching over to check his forehead. "Sure you've not got flu coming on?"
"Sure." Stuart snaps, jerking his head away. "Fuck off, Vince."
----
Father Garvey comes round, to find Vince opening the door with Stuart draped all over him. "Oh, hi, Ed."
Father Garvey blinks. "Do I want to know what's going on?"
"Huh? Oh, right, this is my mate Stuart. He's going through one of his limpet phases. Happens occasionally. Ask my mum, he's been doing it since we were fourteen."
"And you're sure it's safe talking to your mother?" Garvey asks carefully. Hazel Tyler is a legend in the Manchester priesthood.
"Sure, Hazel'll just bite your cock off." Stuart says.
Vince bats at him. "Stuart! You know she wouldn't."
"All right, meat cleaver. Better?"
"More accurate, at least." Vince grins, then turns back to Garvey. "Did you want to come in?"
"There's a Dr. Who marathon going on, I wouldn't." Stuart says. "Think we're up to the Cybermen."
"That's all right, I'll pass. I just came round to deliver these -" 'These' being some papers. "And tell you Father Maloney's sick. They're getting someone in to cover for his services, but just warning you, in case we're asked for."
"Got it." Stuart takes that moment to give Vince a loud kiss on his forehead.
Vince distractedly bats at him again. "Stuart."
"Cybermen, Vince."
"Stuart. Stop trying to tempt me." Vince gives his fellow priest a sheepish grin. "You'll have to excuse him."
"It's all right, I've got a few errands to run. I'll leave you to it." Garvey says quickly, retreating.
Title : Sodding Celibate As It Is (1/2)
Author : Gunbunny
E-Mail : kabukivice@beeb.net
Fandom : QAF UK
Pairing : Vince/Stuart
Rating : sex! unexpurgated sex! smoking! Rampant Dr Who fanboyism! (Well, this *is* Vince we're talking...)
Summary : Priest!AU. Vince, going through a dry patch when he's 20 decides to try the clergy. Everything else is show canon. (btw, by the end we're in the present day - I couldn't deny Vince the new Dr Who)
Disclaimer : Not mine. Go grovel before the great Russell.
Feedback : I accept burnt offerings and alcohol.
Archive : http://kabukivice.com/fic , anywhere else feel free.
Whole thing is here.
"Well, I can't seem to get a boyfriend or a shag recently, I'm sodding celibate as it is, may as well become a priest!" Vince declares, knocking back his drink.
Phil shakes his head. "Steady on there. Bit drastic, isn't it?"
"Well, it'd give me an excuse for not getting a shag..."
Three weeks later. Hazel gets woken up by the sound of someone clattering about in the kitchen.
She wraps a dressing gown round herself, belting it as she comes down the stairs to see Vince finishing off a cuppa. "Vince, what're you doing up at this hour?"
"Got to be somewhere, Mum!" Vince says, rushing out the door, the very picture of someone running late.
"At this hour?" Hazel yells after him. "On a *Sunday*?"
He's back a couple of hours later, looking a bit thoughtful. Hazel's had a cuppa by then. "Where'd you go, then?"
"Nowhere special." Vince replies, reaching for the bread bin. "Church."
"Church?" Hazel says incredulously, then grabs his wrist to pull him into reach to check his forehead for a temperature. "You don't look like you're coming down with something. Dare, was it?"
"Sort of." Vince says, still looking thoughtful.
A couple of months down the line, Hazel's worrying. "Stuart, you don't know anything about this, do you?"
"About what, Hazel?" Stuart says, watching the scenery.
Hazel chews on her finger. "The new obsession. My son's been going to church. It's bloody disturbing is what. And Catholic at that. I only got 'im christened to please me Gran."
"Lucky for you, I got dragged along regular as a kid."
"You don't know what started it, do you? Please don't tell me he's become born again."
"Think you have to be one of those Happy Clappy fuckheads for that. Nah, no idea. You know what Vince is like when he gets an idea into his head, though."
"That's what I'm afraid of." She says, nervously lighting another fag.
---
"Mum, I've got a bit of news." Vince says, taking a breath. "You might want to sit down."
Hazel narrows her eyes. "What's that for? You've been taking those becoming straight brainwashing classes, haven't you? I knew this churchgoing was bloody suspicious. Listen, my son, you were born fancying blokes, there's nothing wrong with that." She pauses. "Either that or you've won the lottery."
Vince laughs. "Me? Straight? Pull the other one, Hazel. And don't I just wish I'd won the lottery."
"You've finally shagged Stuart bloody Alan Jones. Only taken you half a decade."
"Never happen in a month of Sundays. Nope, I've decided to become a priest. Training starts Tuesday."
"A priest." Hazel takes a drag on the fag in her hand. "A Catholic one, would that be?"
"Er, yes."
"I'm hallucinating. I'm on acid right now, I must be."
"No, mum, you're not. I've decided to become a priest."
"Dare I ask why before I call for the men in white coats?"
"Dunno. Just... felt the calling. Got really interested."
"Vince, my lad, no sane bloke feels the calling to become celibate, especially not one that says being gay is wrong. This isn't anything to do with Stuart not shagging you, is it?"
"No, Mum, I accepted that years ago. I just ... want to be a priest."
"Well, coherency's the first casualty. And you've not done any bad E or coke."
"Bad coke's just scary, and E doesn't give you any urges to join the church. Honest. Ask Stuart, he gets sold bad stuff all the time."
"Yes, well, Stuart was at least raised Catholic. You weren't. You couldn't've picked Anglican? They at least get a sex life."
---
"You didn't put him up to this, did you?" Hazel asks.
"Me?" Stuart says incredulously. "Hazel, I think he's mad. Too much Tom Baker, rots the brain."
"Tom Baker? What're you on about?"
"Doctor Who. Used to be a monk. Don't know if he was Catholic, though."
"I give you full permission to strong arm him out of it."
"Just telling you, he's determined."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
----
Vince's last night out. Tomorrow morning he starts, so it's one last fling as not-celibate. Stuart, Phil, Alexander and Hazel are giving him a send-off. Hazel knocks back the last of her drink at eleven and stands up. "Right, lad, I've only one recourse of action left."
"What?" Vince asks. "You're seriously not going to throw me to the mob, are you?" Hazel grabs the front of his shirt and start towing. "Oh my god, you are. Stuart, help me with this madwoman!" Stuart just smirks and raises his glass in tribute to Hazel's actions. He can’t appeal to Phil because he's gone to get another round, and Alex has gone to the loo. "You utter, utter bastard."
When they get to the dancefloor, Hazel sticks her fingers in her mouth and lets out a piercing whistle, cutting through the music and causing the dj to stop. "Right, this is my son Vince, fair number of you already know him. The stupid twat's set his heart on becoming a priest - celibate, it's horrible - and needs curing of this evil disease. Anyone in the mood for playing doctor?"
A cheer goes up from the crowd. Vince mouths 'help' as he gets pounced on and drawn into the thick of it. Stuart just grins and Hazel waves. Still, it's not like he's exactly complaining when he cops off twice in the loos and then gets dragged off for a threesome with two members of a local dance company.
----
Vince takes a deep breath. He's put the ridiculously embroidered vestments on, he's rehearsed for this, he's practiced and he knows he can do this. He's not going to screw up.
He steps out, facing his new congregation, and is about to start his first Mass when his heart sinks. Hazel's waving at him from near the back of the crowd. Following along from her, he can see the whole gang on one pew. And they're all grinning. The bastards. He'll get them for this, he so will.
Part way through, a groan goes up from the Vince Tyler Support Club pew. "Oh bugger me. I can't be doing with all these aerobics. Can't I just stay sat bloody down?" Bernie says, as they go to kneel again.
"All this kneeling's very familiar." Alex muses.
"Wonder why that is." Hazel says, eyebrow raised. Alex sticks his tongue out at her.
Vince winces internally. He can't quite hear what they're saying, but it's sure as hell not mass right now. And Stuart keeps grinning and making faces and hand signals to try and put him off. Hazel'll kill him if she gets to know how many times she's sported bunny ears.
Hazel nudges Stuart. "Here, have you noticed Phil's actually concentrating on the service?"
"Probably considering converting to Catholicism at this rate." Stuart sneers.
"I'm trying to listen to Vince and see if he does a good job, all right?" Phil says, flushing slightly. "Try and keep the noise down."
Vince gets through the service, only stumbling over the words a couple of times.
An old biddy sighs happily as they walk out of the church. "Oh, that was simply lovely. It's so nice to see young men with good voices entering the service. Gives you hope for the rest of them."
"What're the rest of us supposed to be doing, then?" Stuart asks.
"Not going out taking drugs and disrupting society, of course." She says.
"Can't believe you'd think that of us." Stuart says. "What do you suppose Father Tyler was like before, then? Gave up a lot, he did. Whole lifestyle."
"You know him?"
"Since I was fourteen." He points at Hazel. "That's his mum, she can tell you all his bad habits."
"Good service." Phil says.
Everyone else looks at him. Hazel rolls her eyes. "Not another one."
Alex smirks. "I don't think our Phil here's that interested in the sermon, he's interested in who's giving it."
Vince finally gets to them after greeting his new flock and changing out of his robes. "You utter bastards, did you have to turn up?"
"Had to make sure you did all right." Bernie says. "Not bad."
"What would you know, you've never set foot in a church sober in your life."
"I were young once." He protests.
"Who says that means you were sober?" Hazel retorts, then turns to her son. "Any stage fright? Clammy hands? Second thoughts now you've done it? It's never too late to pack it in."
"Mum!"
Phil grins. "You were fine, Vince." He nudges Stuart. "Say something, he's your best mate."
"The dress is more Alex's style." Stuart says lazily.
"Too much white for me. And too shapeless." Alex replies. "Brings out your eyes, though."
"Don't expect us at future ones, though." Stuart adds.
"I should bloody hope not, everyone kept turning round to look at you. You wouldn't stop talking." Vince says, glaring at them. "I nearly killed you, but the glares you were getting from some people were on the way to doing it for me. Please don't turn up again, please."
----
Turns out Vince enjoys his new calling. And he's pretty good at it. Hazel can't think where she went wrong. Every one else just shrugs, accepts and lets him get on with it since he seems fairly happy.
----
"Stuart, any reason you're moody?" Alex asks.
"Time of the month. Didn't you hear, I'm pregnant."
"Don't, love, that's plain scary. Bad place? I know it's not too big, and you've already shagged everyone there is to shag..."
"Not all of them." Stuart replies.
"What happened, catastrophic cock failure?"
"Vince, you twat." Stuart replies.
"Great loss to gaykind." Alex mourns. "But it's not our fault he's loony. You're not pining over him, are you?"
"I'm not like some people here." Stuart says, giving Phil a pointed look. Phil looks the other way. He refuses to admit that he's occasionally turned up at Vince's sermons just to listen to him.
"All priests are repressed sluts." Someone near their table says.
Everyone glares at the speaker. "Vince isn't repressed. Gay, just celibate." Phil says, correcting them.
"The way I've heard it, some people might as well be, the amount of shags they get." Alex sniffs. "Still, complete waste."
"Yeah." Phil says. "Can't believe he's stuck it out five years without a shag."
"So, is it Vince?" Alex needles Stuart.
"Fuck off."
---
Sitting against the wall outside the pub. Stuart's fallen asleep on Vince's shoulder, dozed off in the sunshine. Vince has already shifted so the weight's comfortable, and is currently watching the world go by. The world from here being the river the pub's next to.
After a while, he feels Stuart shift a bit, then there's a grunt and change of breathing that seems to indicate that Stuart's woken up. Not that he's bothering to move. Well, apart from burying his head further into Vince's shoulder.
A few minutes later, though, it turns out Stuart's in an evil mood, because Vince feels a wet swipe across his neck, and jumps, dislodging Stuart's head a bit. "What was that for?"
"Felt like it." He can't see Stuart’s face, but he can certainly picture the expression. Devilish grin, with a hint of self-satisfied smirk, eyes promising more devilment on the way.
"You are such a twat." Vince groans, head leaning back against the wall. That, however, exposes his neck enough as a prime target for being nipped by Stuart. "What are you, an animal?"
"Yep." Stuart says cheerfully, and licks another stripe under his ear this time, followed by a nibble. "You taste good. Should make Vince-flavoured ice-cream. Have to bring it up with that deli that does the ice-cream. Be a big seller."
"Stuart..." Vince says in a warning tone - warning of what, he's not sure, finally turning his head to glare at him. That proves to be a mistake. A big, galaxy-sized one. Because Stuart takes the opportunity of his mouth being in reach to kiss him, and it's not just your friendly peck that Stuart usually gives him. Vince is so startled that he doesn't even freeze, just accepts it while his brain does the gabbling internally. The fact that he hasn't pulled away seems to be enough invitation for Stuart to bring up a hand to cup the back of his neck to keep him there and deepen the kiss. That's when Vince's hormones decide to overrule his brain and reciprocate for a bit.
Eventually his brain elbows the hormones aside, and makes him pull back. The hormones pout a lot about this, as does his mouth, because they were enjoying it. "What was that for? I didn't know you were, um - and this licking people is disturbing. Have you been tested for the presence of pet genes?"
Stuart's shifted his fingers to the collar of Vince's shirt, playing with it, and the occasional brush of fingers against Vince's neck and collarbone mean he's having a hard time restraining himself from gulping. That and telling his cock to stay down. "Felt like it." Stuart smirks, eyes glinting.
"What, you often go round kissing priests? I should warn Father Dennis and Ellen. Ellen'll be really shocked, I think, since she'll be worried about whether you'd started fancying women." He pauses. "You haven't suddenly developed a fetish for dog collars, have you? Because I'm warning you, they're not that much different from wearing those cheap ties, and I know you can't stand those."
Stuart's now looking amused. Usual 'Vince is babbling' expression. "No, Vince, I haven't got a fetish for dog collars or priests."
"So, um spur of the moment thing, because otherwise it'd be really tacky."
"Not exactly spur of the moment. Been thinking about it for a while."
"Oh. Er. And?"
"Was one of the best fucking ideas I've had for a while." Stuart says, leaning closer, hand coming up to cup Vince's jaw, before closing those last few inches and snogging him again. Once again, Vince's hormones take over, even though his brain asserts itself enough after a few seconds to bring a hand up to Stuart's shoulder to push him away. That's a complete failure, since the instant he touches, his hand decides it'd be better to hold on rather than shove away.
Come up for air, and Vince manages to overcome his hormones enough to scoot away so that it'll be difficult if Stuart tries again, ignoring the traitorous little voice that points out that if Stuart shags half as well as he snogs, no wonder he's got 'em lining up. He draws in a distinctly shaky breath, and holds up a finger to attempt to
ward off the sexy evil that is Stuart. "Bad, bad idea. Priest here."
"And?" Stuart grins. "Got any complaints?"
"No complaints, I - stoppit with the distraction and the sexy grin! Catholic priest! Off limits!"
Another smirk. "I like a challenge."
"Stuart, I swear, you're just evil." Vince says ruefully. "Bastard. And no, I am not having sex with you. And especially not because you fancy nailing a priest."
"Don't particularly fancy fucking a priest. Have you *seen* most priests? Old, ugly, look like they've been sucking lemons, or have a rod up their arse. Sometimes all four. No thanks." Stuart yawns, stretches, then gets up, holding a hand out to pull Vince up. "Come on, I'm starving. Lunch."
"Thought for a moment you were going to snack on me." Vince says, getting up with Stuart's help.
"Specialised circumstances. The Italian place do? I fancy seafood, and they're good for it."
A week goes by. It's been a week of slight dread for Vince, waiting for Stuart to do something else, but there's nothing. Sod all, in fact. Just Stuart being his usual self. Very tactile, but that's *normal*. Vince long ago accepted Stuart's belief that Vince is his personal teddy bear.
A few weeks later, however, Vince gets snogged again. Just sitting watching a dvd of the Ecclestone Dr. Who, the Dickens episode, and when Vince jumps when the Gelf possess the servant girl, Stuart chuckles. And grins the evil grin of a Stuart Alan Jones with plans.
"C'mere." He says, putting an arm around Vince's shoulders and pulling him into a kiss. A sort of lazy snog, taking his time.
"...What was that for?" Vince asks when it ends, a bit dazed.
"Felt like it." Stuart says, shrugging and giving Vince a squeeze. "Here, it's the bit where Dickens gets a brain. Don't want to miss that."
---
Alex leans his chin on his hand and pouts. "Ladies, the impossible has happened. The Great Stuart Alan Jones has not copped off in three weeks."
"Three weeks?" Phil snorts. "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope. Hazel, sweetheart, you don't know why, do you?"
"Don't ask me. It's bloody disturbing is what." Sound of the key at the door. "Vince, love, you don't know why Stuart's going through a dry patch, do you?"
Vince comes in with a bag of shopping. "No idea. And that could've been anyone at the door, Mum."
"Bollocks. Bernie's at that rally in Peterborough, Stuart's working late on that contract, like his whole office has been for the past week, and Alex is sitting here. So you've no idea?"
"None whatsoever. Move over, Alex, I need to put this lot in the fridge for a bit."
----
"Son, you in love with that twat?"
"Hmm?" Vince asks distractedly, flicking through the paper in search of something decent for Sunday’s sermon. So far it's just Cylons in Battlestar Galactica, and he's pretty sure world-destroying toasters in human form aren't the example he wants to give. Even if they are religious.
"Stuart. You in love with him?"
"I'm a priest, Mum, I'm celibate."
"And I'm your mother. Are you bloody well in love with Stuart Alan Jones?"
"He's my best mate, of course I love him."
Hazel smacks him across the head with the tea towel. "Stop dodging the question, my lad."
Vince winces, rubbing the back of his head. "...Yes. All right? I'm in love with my best mate. Who I can't have. End of story."
"Easy, that. Get rid of the dog collar. Or just do what your church is good at : shag who you want in private, deny it in public."
"Mum!" Vince chastises. "I am not fucking doing that, and you know I wouldn't." He pauses. "Besides, Stuart doesn't want me for a shag and never did. I don't even make the list of 'supposedly unavailable so must seduce' that you know Stuart sees as his personal mission."
"Just about to be married blokes, straight men..." Hazel adds.
Vince grins. "Maybe I should declare myself straight and see what happens."
"I'd drag you down the loony bin is what." Hazel replies.
----
"What's this about you not copping off recently?"
"Where'd you hear that?" Stuart asks, turning his head sharply.
"Alex, gossip queen of Manchester. Sure you're not ill?"
"Just haven't." Stuart shrugs, but a little prickly.
"You *are* ill." Vince says.
"Ever think that the quality of blokes out there might not be up to standard?" Stuart replies.
"Always a new face and a cute arse." Vince switches from amused to concerned, reaching over to check his forehead. "Sure you've not got flu coming on?"
"Sure." Stuart snaps, jerking his head away. "Fuck off, Vince."
----
Father Garvey comes round, to find Vince opening the door with Stuart draped all over him. "Oh, hi, Ed."
Father Garvey blinks. "Do I want to know what's going on?"
"Huh? Oh, right, this is my mate Stuart. He's going through one of his limpet phases. Happens occasionally. Ask my mum, he's been doing it since we were fourteen."
"And you're sure it's safe talking to your mother?" Garvey asks carefully. Hazel Tyler is a legend in the Manchester priesthood.
"Sure, Hazel'll just bite your cock off." Stuart says.
Vince bats at him. "Stuart! You know she wouldn't."
"All right, meat cleaver. Better?"
"More accurate, at least." Vince grins, then turns back to Garvey. "Did you want to come in?"
"There's a Dr. Who marathon going on, I wouldn't." Stuart says. "Think we're up to the Cybermen."
"That's all right, I'll pass. I just came round to deliver these -" 'These' being some papers. "And tell you Father Maloney's sick. They're getting someone in to cover for his services, but just warning you, in case we're asked for."
"Got it." Stuart takes that moment to give Vince a loud kiss on his forehead.
Vince distractedly bats at him again. "Stuart."
"Cybermen, Vince."
"Stuart. Stop trying to tempt me." Vince gives his fellow priest a sheepish grin. "You'll have to excuse him."
"It's all right, I've got a few errands to run. I'll leave you to it." Garvey says quickly, retreating.
