fuck them. really.

[burntcopper]

I think today could be put under 'shitty'.

Started with headache (or rather incipient migraine) which I'd managed to stave off by the time my assessment came round.

And then I started getting laid into during the assessment for disruptive behaviour, messing around on internet, setting a bad example because I've been there longest and therefore everyone else is taking their cues from me, not being at my desk (apparently one of my biggest crimes, because I keep being pulled away to go solve something or go off to point something out and correct someone and then the conversation drifts into something else and they seem to judge productivity by how long I spend at desk). Which I have a month to fix before it goes to HR.

Constant 'bad example bad example' combined with 'you never did anything about these objectives you got set last time' (which went out of the window because workload went up at the same time as new staff which I had to train and am still providing tech solutions and pointing out their bad habits and telling them to stop it) which they managed to pull out for every single item on list, which were the usual 'how you feel you have provided solutions and work as part of a team' stuff on these forms, my leadership skills which I pointed out I don;t have, I just aid and abet and chivvy - but no, apparently I lead people down the garden path and distract everyone else, so I'm sitting there feeling like 'okay, I might be able to fix some of this stuff' when it comes to the 'what skills do you have and what skills don't you feel you're using' bit.

This bit? Normally a source of humour since I pointed out how badly worded it was, not saying anything about work-applicable ones and wrote down 'sewing'. Went through nit-picking, pedanticness, ability to assess for usability - all of which are being used - and couldn;t think of any I wasn't applying. And then they said 'actually, there is one you're not listing, your ability to get through giant wodges of work which you used back when you were doing over a hundred pre-lives in an afternoon.'

I gaped. And went 'I turned myself into a caffeinated mess just to be able to get through it and was screaming at people! You were actually warning people not to go anywhere near me! That assessment I walked in, slammed the stuff I'd been in the middle of taking notes on down and stated that if it took more than half an hour I was walking out because I had too much work to be messing around with this!' (I'm serious on the caffeinated mess. My hands were shaking, my focus went to scary levels and everything around me felt like it was moving at snail speed, especially the computer loading times, and my temper and ability to tolerate anything not of my standards was shorter than a wet cowpat.) And they come back with 'yes, if we could maybe manage it with less of the caffeine and screaming, we're not asking for those levels, but maybe 90%'.

I don't even know how much of it aside from the internet usage is exaggeration and how much is true because I can't judge it myself.

I walked out of that fucking thing shaking, not trusting myself to talk to anyone and of course the migraine came back. Just got rid of the nausea by 5:30 by dosing myself with the soluble paracetamol on the kill or cure basis, came home and then broke down all over my parents due to the emotional wreck the migraine makes me into. Conclusion : Need new job desperately, because as Dad points out it's screwing me up, wrecking my self esteem and all the stuff I can do is constantly being ignored in favour of the stuff I can't do, which is toe the bullshit line and play well with managers.

Comments

[psmorrison.livejournal.com]

Yikes. Spookily enough, I was warned about my internet usage yesterday. Apparently I'm in the top ten at the council (number one racked up 65,000 Facebook hits in one month (allegedly)) although to be fair many employees don't actually know what the internet is.

I fully support your Dad's opinion. If a job's that crap, it's not worth doing.

[mrslant]

Wow. So it's, "We really appreciate the huge amounts of work you do for us, but we're going to treat you like a naughty child anyway." What utter wankers.

[blue-monday.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. The last bit there, that's my job and my reaction to it. Though I have to get a new job on account of how I won't have this one much longer due to idiotically organised redundancies. PAh. A pox on jobs.

Also, yes. That assessment is crazy nonsense.

[cidercupcakes.livejournal.com]

Oh, fuck that noise, honey. It's so not worth it to get slapped in the face like that. And to then be told to make yourself miserable, physically and emotionally? Again: fuck that noise. Fuck it so hard.

[tirinar.livejournal.com]

Yep, that was why I left the hostel. Introduced a hostel-wide filing system/note system/paperwork system that actually worked as opposed to the approved method of 'shove it in any file and someone'll find it eventually', get system noticed by hostel inspection who love it so much that management introduced it across London, redo entire 2 years worth of computer files because IT couldn't handle taking the plastic off a print cartridge, let alone fixing a computer. Advise on computer problems, admin, accounts, clients, and word processing.
Things I couldn't do? Toe the bullshit line and play nicely with management when they were shit.

Quit the job. They'll figure out how worthwhile you are when you're happily on the path to not being there anymore.